If you cover for an alcoholic or clean up after them you are enabling them to continue their drinking without facing the consequences of their actions. You may think you are helping them them but you are actually creating a situation where the alcoholic can avoid learning from their mistakes.
In effect, if you were to allow the alcoholic to deal with the consequences of their mistakes (even if it hurt them), you would be making the compassionate choice for them.

In order to help you decide whether or not you are enabling, ask yourself these questions:

Am I doing something for this person that they could be doing for themselves?

If I do this, will it stop an event or series of events that would lead to the person having to face the consequences of their actions?

Does it bother or annoy me that I have to do this?

Here’s a big one: Is this action making life easier for me or the alcoholic?

It’s difficult watching someone you care for suffer pain because of their alcohol or drug abuse (I know, I had to do it) but it’s what people mean when they talk about tough love.
By letting that person suffer the consequences of their actions you’re making the right choice for both you and them.

As I’ve mentioned before, one of the best ways to have a positive effect on your life today is to make a small change or take a small risk. Thinking big is good but small actions are more manageable and easier to achieve. With that in mind, here’s a list of 10 goals, any of which you could set yourself for today or tomorrow.

1. Get up an hour earlier.
Spend the time doing something you enjoy. Read a paper, watch the sun come up or just relax and drink a nice cup of tea.

2. Go for a walk.
If it’s too dark when you get home from work or school then try a walk after lunch. Just 2o minutes will help you to feel calmer and healthier.

3. Read a book.
We all say we haven’t the time but still manage to waste hours on front of the tv or our computers. Dust of that book you bought months ago and get started.

4. Make yourself a meal.
Not a microwave meal, a real meal with real healthy ingredients, it will taste all the better because you made it yourself.

5. Listen to some music.
Your favourite album or a relaxing radio station. I use last.fm to hear recommended music based on my own tastes.

6. Write a list of all the things you would like to do and decide your first step towards one of them. Why not draw a mindmap of all your goals?

7. Meditate.
This is something I don’t do often enough but when I do I use the “Heart of the Rose” method as taught in the book The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari

8. Call a friend or family member just to catch up with them or maybe make a date to catch a movie or go for coffee.

9. Clean up your paper work.
We have a drawer at home called the “Drawer of Doom” it’s where we throw all our non urgent bits and pieces of paper work and it gradually becomes a mountain of rubbish. Every so often I dive in, clean it out and do some filing. It feels good to clear it out!

10. Book that appointment, you know, the one you’ve been putting off.
Dentist, Councilor, Life Coach or Doctor appointments are all example of appointments that can be put off, it’s a fantiastic weight off your mind when you finally do book them.

Unfortunately, it’s easy to focus on the past. The problem with this is it’s usually not worth your time to do so. For example, sometimes I find myself replaying arguments from years ago whilst brushing my teeth in the mornings. Sure I come up with some great lines but all I’m doing is making myself feel bad. Nowadays I’ve learned to recognise when I’m doing this and stop myself.

You can’t do anything about the past except learn from your mistakes and make sure not to repeat them today. That’s it, that’s all you can do with it.

A good way to have a positive effect on your life today is to make a small change. Just reading the articles on this site and using the advise to change your attitudes is one way to have a positive effect on your life. Another way is to set yourself a small goal or risk to take. Setting yourself a small goal or taking a small risk today, is a much better way of improving your life then doing nothing for a long time and then trying to make a huge change in one leap. It’s definitely much easier on your nerves!

How and when you decide to change your life is completely up to you, no-one can tell you how to do it. Just remember that it only takes a small step every day. By creating these little accomplishments every day, life soon becomes much fuller and happier.

Something we all desire and have become used to, is having instant answers. The society we live in today is built on instant gratification - instant coffee, instant meals, instant downloads and instant cash. In fact we can google most problems and receive a few hundred potential solutions in a matter of seconds.

So when we encounter emotional pain for the first time and begin to look for answers, it can be somewhat of a shock to discover that recovery takes time. Recovery is made up of many steps - regaining all you lost, changing how you relate to people and cope with problems, learning to build trust and allowing time to heal your wounds. If you strive to find answers, learn about yourself and change how you live your life, you will start to recover and grow but it will take time.

So for today, take a small step. You don’t have to fix everything right now, that’s a pressure you shouldn’t place on yourself. But as you move towards leaving this pain behind and finding new happiness, you will start to encounter moments of happiness that will remind you of the progress you are making. Remember the slogan: “One day at a time”.

“The best time to make friends is before you need them” - Ethel Barrymore

If you’ve gotten as far as this article then you’ve probably already realised the value of spending time with friends. With the advent of social networking sites it has become too easy to distance yourself from “real” friends and surround yourself with digital ones. Digital friends are easier to manage, when you feel tired or irritated all you have to do is switch them off. Real friends are more challenging but the rewards of a genuine friend are far more valuable.
Perhaps social networking can be used as a means to put you in touch with old friends but the important thing to remember is to take it to the next level and arrange to meet up with them.

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Some of these suggestions might scare you a little but all good things are worth a little work.

1. Call a friend. Make the first move, don’t sit around waiting for them to ring you. If they can’t make it out for a beer or a coffee, don’t take it to heart, sometimes folk are just booked up. But they’ll remember, so don’t be surprised if they call you a week or two later.

2. Don’t eat lunch at your desk. Join your colleagues in the canteen if you have one, or arrange eating out. Sometimes having some company is more important than saving money by eating a packed sandwich.

3. Join a night class. I joined a French class a few years ago and had a good laugh with my class mates. Didn’t learn much French though I must admit. As you and your classmates will be there to learn the same thing, you’ll have something in common to talk about.

4. Join a club (even better then a class as there is no end date). This will probably mean going outside of your comfort zone, that’s good, you need to challenge yourself. I joined an aikido club and made some good friends. Some other clubs include sports clubs, book clubs and health clubs (with the added bonus of getting you fit).

5. Join a charity group. I spent some time feeding underprivileged people over the Christmas period, there was a great comradeship between the workers. There are many charity groups looking for volunteers, check at your local library or newspaper for postings.

6. Join a Business Association. There are lots of these. If you enjoy your line of work this is a great way to meet people with similar interests. Trade magazines are a good way to find Business Associations.

7. Go travelling. Stay at hostels as opposed to hotels. Travelers at hostels are usually very friendly and up for some fun.

8. Find a coffee shop and make it your “local”. Make sure you visit the same place a couple of times a week. You’ll start to recognise the same faces and can go from a nod and a smile to light conversation. I made one of my best friends this way, he was the coffee shop owner! Now we play gigs together on a regular basis.

9. Join a singles group. No it’s not sad. It’s the perfect way to meet someone outside of the pub/club scene.

10. Join a support group. Most of us have some demons to tackle. I make no secret of the fact that I’m a big fan of Al-Anon. I met some of the greatest people I’ve ever known there. Other support groups include AA, Over-eaters Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Families Anonymous or Codependency support groups.

Eventually I had to go so I said goodbye and the old man asked if he could have my hand for a second, a little confused I said of course. He took my hand and placed it on his chest for a second and then he let go and said “Thank you, you have touched a heart” and then he left. I was completely taken aback, what an amazing thing to say to a person, I think I beamed for a week!

The point I’m trying to make with this story is that although I know it’s really, really hard to overcome shyness, it is something that is worth trying to defeat. I have found that the times I have made an effort to overcome shyness, have usually lead to a worthwhile reward.

I’m probably not 100% over my shyness but that’s ok, I’ve come far enough to be very happy with my progress. So how did I do it? Well, I used many methods. I pushed myself into doing things I never would have before. I joined an aikido class, I joined a French class and I joined a Project Management class (no, not at the same time!). The classes helped me begin to overcome my fear of talking in public.

Without a doubt the single biggest way I overcame my shyness was by joining Al-Anon. Al-anon taught me that people were interested in what I had to say, that I my feelings and ideas mattered, that I had value. But if Al-anon isn’t right for you, then that’s ok, there are plenty of other options, including public speaking courses or toastmasters (I’ve yet to try that one but I will, I’ve heard great reports) .

The important thing is to take it at your own pace but please do try, overcoming shyness is one of the greatest things you can do for yourself. Good luck!

The pain I felt changed me in many ways, it made me find the courage to seek solutions I never would have tried before. I rang friends, I joined an aikido group to make new friends, I went to a councilor and eventually I joined a support group. I dealt with a lot of the problems that had added to me feeling so low. I never would have found any of these qualities if I hadn’t gone through my pain. It took time and it was hard but I came out of it all a stronger person.

The problem you’re dealing with now won’t last forever. No matter how huge it is in your life today, some day it will become a faded memory. You’ll need to find patience but for now, take a look at the new strengths you are developing. Take a look at how you’re standing on your own two feet. It’s ok to feel and express a loss, it’s a strength to do so. It is an amazing quality that you are becoming a person who can accept change.
And when you feel your pain just remember this: This too shall pass.

I know how easy it can be to get caught up in people-pleasing because it’s something I used to rely on far too much myself. People-pleasing is directly related to your confidence. I didn’t have much confidence and didn’t place much value on my own judgement, so I constantly sought other people’s assurances. For example I probably wouldn’t have bothered to make just myself a nice meal, someone else had to be there to enjoy it and say it tasted good. Seems pretty silly eh? Why shouldn’t I appreciate my own cooking?

Ok, we all need to be thanked every now and again, it helps to make your efforts seem worthwhile. But if someone else’s appreciation or praise becomes the main reason you do the things you do, then you have given that person too much power over you.

Try not to take it to heart if someone doesn’t notice or forgets to thank you for something good you’ve done. You could feel angry or feel sorry for yourself but you don’t have to. If you can learn to place some faith in your own opinion then you won’t need someone else to thank you - though it’ll still be nice when someone does give you praise.

So why not give it a try today and see how it makes you feel? Praise yourself for the work you’ve done. If you’re giving it your best shot then you deserve to pat yourself on the back!

When I was 27 I had very little self worth. At the time I had just broken up with a long term partner and had lost my home, a lot of friends and most of all - my sense of self esteem. I just didn’t think I was a very nice person. I was someone who was suddenly alone after years of arguments, shouting, screaming and frustration. I was someone who had ignored his friends for years and consequently they had all given up and gone away. I was alone and I deserved it.

One day I was carrying boxes into my new home (a tiny, smelly, overpriced bedsit - how glamorous!) when I heard a woman’s voice wailing from the top of the street. As I stood and watched, a crying, screaming woman walked down the street in my direction. I have to admit, I just figured she was drunk (a common occurrence in my neighbourhood) and decided to keep my nose to myself and continue with my box moving. Eventually she got as far as the house I was busy moving into and she sat by the front door crying. Well, I figured it was time to get involved. I cautiously approached and we started to talk. It turned out she had just had her handbag snatched. As I spoke to her she explained she lived on the ground floor of the building I was moving into. She had no way to get in to her apartment now that her keys had been stolen so she would have to wait around until her flatmate got home from work.

I asked her would she like to wait with me in my bedsit and (to my surprise) she agreed. While waited we talked about her experience, about how she was afraid her dad would be furious and about how she missed her family (she was from the middle east). I called the police and told them what had happened and they dropped by and brought the girl on a drive-by to see if she could spot the person who had robbed her. By the time she got back her flatmate was home so she was able to get back into her flat. I went back to my moving in and reflected on what an odd day I’d just had.

The next morning when I woke up there was a letter under my door. I forget now all that it said but the one line I remember was “Thanks a million for your kindness”.
I looked at that line for a long time. I remember being moved to tears and feeling something change inside me. I realised that I had forgotten that even though I had my faults, I was also a good person. All I had done for months on end was focus on the negative aspects of my personality and not once had I looked at anything good I had done.

It’s a lesson I’ve never forgotten.

Far too often we spend our time thinking about the bad aspects of ourselves. It’s true, no one is perfect, we all make mistakes and we all have our failings but we all have our good sides too. Give yourself credit where it’s due. Take some time today to think about the good things you’ve done, the parts of yourself that you like. These are the things that make you the kind and remarkable human being that you are.