What is Enabling?

If you live with an alcoholic, you might have trouble seeing the difference between compassion and enabling.

If you cover for an alcoholic or clean up after them you are enabling them to continue their drinking without facing the consequences of their actions. You may think you are helping them them but you are actually creating a situation where the alcoholic can avoid learning from their mistakes.
In effect, if you were to allow the alcoholic to deal with the consequences of their mistakes (even if it hurt them), you would be making the compassionate choice for them.

In order to help you decide whether or not you are enabling, ask yourself these questions:

Am I doing something for this person that they could be doing for themselves?

If I do this, will it stop an event or series of events that would lead to the person having to face the consequences of their actions?

Does it bother or annoy me that I have to do this?

Here’s a big one: Is this action making life easier for me or the alcoholic?

It’s difficult watching someone you care for suffer pain because of their alcohol or drug abuse (I know, I had to do it) but it’s what people mean when they talk about tough love.
By letting that person suffer the consequences of their actions you’re making the right choice for both you and them.

Filed under Caretaking, Detachment, Let go, Relationships |